my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i dont even know how to be here
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
