Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
two words: eviction party
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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