i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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