that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
