So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
