I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
