So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
