I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
