Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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