Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
