So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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