Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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