I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
