i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Less talking, more tequila
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
