i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
