I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
