i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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