I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
