My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize