Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
