It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
