Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize