He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
