i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
