im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I lost the right to judge tonight
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
