I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
