Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
