So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
