so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
