Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
