dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
