I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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