There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
