Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he shaved USA in his pubs
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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