Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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