my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
