Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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