Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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