Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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