kristin has been a bad kristin
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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