Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize