I'll bet she douches with gravy.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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