how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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