Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
