I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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