literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize