So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
