The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
