if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
