What did we do last night that was yellow?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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