I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
