I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
they're like a gay fantastic four
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize