My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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