We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
