You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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