Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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