Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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