i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
