i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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