Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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