I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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