Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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