Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
