what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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