Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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