She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize