Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
