I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
